life does not give a fuck

Nature is neither cruel nor kind, but utterly indifferent to all suffering.

I will start this one with a question. Again.

How many times have you heard in your life the next line?

"Oh baby, I love you so much, you are the best thing ever happened to me, I'm never gonna let you go."

Rings a bell?

With some rough estimations, this phrase should have been said about 7 times in every relationship I had in the past.

Count some more hundred times, we all have heard it in movies and you get the idea.

My girlfriend X: "You are the best thing ever happened to me."

Me: "Of course I am. Until the next best thing that will ever happen to you baby."

This is the way I respond most of the times right now. It varies with the level of commitment I have with the girl but when I kind of respect someone I respond with that phrase.

For everybody else (like random f***s) I say the old but gold: "You are the best thing ever happened to me as well baby, I love you so much."

And a red heart as big as her head floats above us.

By the way, never break rapport with average people. You can only lose by doing so.

A few months ago, I had a similar conversation with another girl.

When she told me something similar to the above (but not that cheesy) I told her that, the only reason she stays with me is that I have the most combined value from all the men she currently knows and they would like her as a girlfriend.

She didn't accept that, but this is not my problem.

Before you go nuts and call me names like cold hearted bastard, read the whole post. If by the end you still have the same opinion, you may very well call me whatever you want in the comments section below.

Unfortunately (for you), totally fair (for the nature) and fortunately (for me who knows of it), this is how things happen in nature.

The man or the woman with the highest total value will eat from the top leaves, will have the better mates and will live a better overall life. I am not going to analyze what exactly happened for millions of years throughout out our evolutionary history but instead I am going to give you a short overview of what I call value and why in the end it all boils down to it.

What is value?

Alright. The million dollar question. What is value?

Basically, value is the total amount of all the useful things (tangible and intangible) a person can offer.

This is too generic? Let's break this down.

Value is mainly comprised of two major parts. These two parts derive by the two very basic instincts all living organisms possess.

The instinct to survive. The instinct to reproduce.

Without survival and reproduction no perpetuation (and evolution) of any species could happen.

Every form of value you can think of, belongs to one of these two categories either directly (we have sex for reproduction) or indirectly (we go to school, in order to study, find a job and buy some meat in order not to starve to death - survival).

I know you believe, that you can think of many examples that don't fall in either of these two categories, but trust me.

There aren't any.

Be it directly or indirectly related, all forms of value someone can give to someone else (or to many) satisfy their need to either survive or replicate.

Survival Value

The first and most important instinct is the one of survival. People firstly need to make sure they are alive in order to reproduce and evolve. We are known for doing incredible things in order to survive. Things you cannot imagine unless you come to this very moment.

We can perform many times X our average performance when our brain senses that our survival is at stake. We can kill, we can stay without any food for days by shutting down all body functions that are not primarily necessary etc. And all that in order to survive.

There is no other form of value more important than this, and most probably there will never be. Man is capable of anything to make sure he will stay alive. It's so embedded and hard-wired in our subconscious that we cannot overcome it by logic - you know you can't kill yourself by holding your breath right?

The funny thing (and the one you will mostly struggle to understand) is that many forms of today's value are masked forms of survival value. Want some examples?

  • your salary
  • your social skills and social circle
  • your intelligence
  • your knowledge (on things that matter)
  • and many many more

You know why?

Because some millions of years ago, these forms of value would keep you alive.

In the modern environment things are not so harsh. Stupidity won't necessarily kill you. I can tell. I meet countless stupid people every day, and they all seem pretty alive to me.

But...

  1. Your primitive brain cannot distinguish between modern environment and Africa Savanah
  2. In this blog, we want to thrive not just survive

Like the case was in Savanah 2 million years ago, the same holds true today. I explain myself.

  • The person with the most resources (back then, mammoth meat > today, money)
  • The person with the biggest and best social circle (back then, a few villagers > today, people with power, influence and allies in key positions)
  • The most knowledgeable and intelligent person (back then, that guy was the one to organize a hunt to kill a huge beast with primitive weapons > today, he is the guy who achieves to build a business empire from scratch)

Starts to make sense to you?

Survival is only the one side of the coin though.

Reproduction Value

Who gets the girl in the end, is somewhat more complicated.

The second major instinct we have, is the one of reproduction. After we have ensured our survival, our next target is to replicate ourselves. This again is very deeply hard-wired.

I always think of the salmons that swim against the current in the river during mating season. A huge percentage of their population dies, but they are OK with risking their lives in order to reproduce.

Since I mentioned this fantastic example :p

red-salmon-river-projectbebest
Image credits: Un-ordinary travels

Which salmons are going to reproduce in the end?

You guessed right. Only the best of them. You know why? It's not because I have chosen it or God (hahaha) has chosen it. This is survival of the fittest at its finest.

It is because nature has chosen it to be this way. Only the best of the salmons (ie. the salmons with the most total value) will be able to reproduce in order to give birth to stronger offspring.

Reproduction value is mainly translated to humans with good quality genes with regard to external physique. Health status, looks, facial symmetry, body stature, height, quality of skin and hair, youth etc.

There are many metrics here but as a general idea keep in mind that the better someone looks (this is a lot more objective that you think) the higher their reproduction value is.

In case you are the kind of person who *claims* you don't enjoy a six-pack in men, you read no further. Just close this page and go visit the ilovemenwithbellies.com website.

Back to total value once again

Now that we all have a better understanding of what real value is, let's see why the phrase that girl told me is ridiculous to say the least.

I will try to elaborate with an over-simplified example in order to make my point. Things in reality are much more complicated, but these general principles apply 100%.

When she first met me, she first started to make a subconscious assessment/evaluation, followed by a conscious one about me (or any other guy for that matter she might be interested in).

Her still "primitive" brain starts to assess...

  1. He is about 1.70m in height, not the best option but OK for now (subconsciously)
  2. He is bald, too much testo? How old is he? (subconsciously)
  3. He has got a nice physique (subconsciously)
  4. Maybe he works out (consciously)
  5. Nice clothing he must be doing ok financially and he's got a good taste (consciously)
  6. Let's how this goes (consciously)

Me: "Hello my name is Roberto."

She: "Hi my name is , nice to meet you."

More assessments...

  1. Oh, that's a firm nice grip, not too strong nor too gay (subconsciously)
  2. Good eye contact, as dominant as it should be(subconsciously)

Me: "Hi random hottie, you called for me? Here I am." 🙂

She: "When did I call for you? I didn't say a thing."

Me: "You didn't have to."

If the whole scene is played with the right sub-communication signals, then talking is cheap and the girl gets the message.

Final assessments (for now)...

  1. He looks confident, I really like that in a man (subconsciously)
  2. I wanna know more about him, let's talk (consciously)

Fast forward this and after some "negotiations" we end up having sex, get into a relationship and lived happily ever after.

The reason she ended up having sex with me and get into a relationship is that my total value: SURVIVAL + REPRODUCTION was good enough for her.

Speculating some more random assessments, she might have thought that I am intelligent, I have a good sense of humor, a good body, a good financial status etc.

Nobody knows what exactly happens inside her head. Not even she does. Most decisions are taken on a subconscious level and then neo-cortex translates these decisions with a "rationalization."

Example:

Subconscious thought: "He is intelligent and knowledgeable, most probably he will be able to protect me and my children."

Conscious thought: "I like him because he's got a great sense of humor and knows what to say in every occasion."

In the end, nature always wins

"You are the best thing ever happened to me, I'm never gonna leave you."

Bullshit.

This is just a cheap temporary emotion, mostly driven by chemical reactions (vasopressin anyone) and the social conditioning we have all been washed out. Nature doesn't care for love. Nature doesn't care for promises. Nature doesn't care for eternal vows of commitment.

Nature only cares about survival and reproduction.

Nature only cares about survival and reproduction. Click To Tweet

By the time the random hottie finds a more valuable male than myself, I will take the shaft.

And you bet I will. I'll have to. If I won't, nature has failed.

How can I be so sure you might ask? Well, like most of us, once upon a time I also had a girl that I "loved", she really was "the best thing ever happened to me" and she had definitely told me a few times that "she's never gonna leave me."

But guess what. She did leave me eventually. And although I couldn't see it at the time, that was probably one of the best things ever happened to me. Because it helped me face reality and look it in the face. Real life is not a Hollywood movie.

In real life we all have to obey some basic rules. Nature gave us the illusion of choice, after installing very powerful and stupid-proof programs inside our heads. Ergo my beloved girlfriend left me - most probably for someone better than me.

If nature had let this decision completely up to us, well...we wouldn't be here to talk about this stuff to be honest.

Evolution would have stopped at the first idiot who would have believed his wife that she only loves him and nobody else and that she will never leave him. He would never fuck another woman, their kids would be the average of these two and he (or she, it works both ways) would never try to upgrade to a better mate, than the one they already have.

Thank God (hahaha again), nature doesn't work that way. By the time someone, be it a man or a woman, gets within proximity of a potential mate with more total value, then nature takes over and a subconscious assessment begins.

If the potential gain from the switch is bigger than the potential loss, then the old mate goes home and we see white smoke at the Vatican city.

The new man or woman, who possibly has a higher overall value will replace the old one. I say possibly because depending on the criteria the person used in order to make this assessment, the results might be skewed and the decision might be wrong.

I will have to admit here that for the most part, nature knows what it is doing, but there are many cases that some programs just don't work well inside our heads. For example, you see women choosing boyfriends solely on their looks and then as time passes and they get old, they want to find the alpha male that will mate with them. *Make a Wish* anyone?

Evolutionarily speaking, a man has no advantage to mate with an older woman. In order to do so, some programs might be skewed in his head as well. He may have seen a movie about such a romance when he was young, and since then he believes this is the way it's supposed to be.

life doesnt give a fuck
I wish I could stay like that forever...

Bottom line is, things in nature happen for a reason. Human relationships (like most relationships in the animal kingdom) are a matter of value exchange.

I, as a man mainly provide protection and support (survival value), she as a woman gives me back her good looks and fertility (reproduction value).

I don't really need her that much to protect me from lions and that's why, I as a man, I'm often "accused" for only "caring about her ass." It makes perfect sense to me. I don't need her to bring money or fight for me. I only need her to be as healthy as possible and as a good mother as possible for my child.

On the other hand, if a woman is smart, she will give priority to the survival value of her man over his looks. Sure good genes do matter, who wouldn't want to have a kid that looks like Brad Pitt. But don't forget, when the time comes and your kid gets hungry you can't go to the butcher and say: "hey, look how tall and beautiful my husband and kid are, give me some meat." Odds are you will stay hungry.

Conclusion and takeaways

Sorry to land you like that. But life ain't all sunshine and rainbows. As I said earlier, nature won't give a fuck about love, promises and Hollywood romance scenes in the sunset. Mother nature's only priorities are survival and replication. And she is willing to do anything to make sure all species survive and reproduce by embedding those primal instincts deeply into the subconscious.

Mating is 95% a matter of value exchange - men mostly offer survival value and women mostly give reproduction value. The other 5% are some deviations, exceptions to the rules mainly due to faulty programs in people's heads. I don't think it's important to analyze those deviations here.

Please, make sure you will remember the following phrase at all times. No matter how many times she will tell you she loves you, or to be fair, how many times you will tell her that you love her and you will never leave her, it's all bull-crap.

Nature does the thinking for you and by the time you or your girl, gets into proximity of another human being with higher total value, an evaluation will be initiated. If the outcome of this evaluation shows that the new potential value is bigger than the old value, then you may kiss your love and promises goodbye.

It's not her fault if she leaves you. You don't need to call her names. If you really need to blame someone, blame firs and foremost yourself for not being a more valuable person and secondly nature for having its own mysterious ways.

Most average people are emotional creatures by nature and due to fucked up social conditioning their core belief system gets even worse. They can't stand the truth and they prefer to hear about love and eternal loyalty. But fortunately there are some other people who prefer to take the red pill and learn how things really are. Make your choice.

Sing along...and I will always love you...

  • One more golden article. Thx rob 😀

    I have only one thing that can be confusing.
    “If the potential gain from the switch is bigger than the potential loss”

    Things imo, are much more complicated than this. A girl is playing a gamble every time she leaves the current guy for the next. Not only because she may have misjudged his value, but also because the next guy may not commit so much of his resources to her.

    Things can get even more “calculated”. She needs to ensure that she gets more “absolute value” from the potential mate.

    Therefore a BETA male that can commit more resources to her, compared to an ALPHA that can only a commit a very small percentage, may prove a better choice in the long run.

    That could also be the feeling of love. Value she definitely loses vs value she potentially gains.

    Also people are more sensitive to losing than gaining..

    Still the article nails the “exchange of value” proposition 😉

    • Roberto Zanon

      Totally agree with you on this one.

      As you know such complicated matters are very hard to describe and analyze in a few thousand words.

      I always try to oversimplify things in order for the readers to be able to have a clearer view. You bet things in life are very complicated. You bet, that we cannot put everything in a mathematical formula.

      But for the most part rules do stand still and whether we like it or not, we (the humans) are animals are well, mostly driver by primal instincts.

      Thanks for your insightful comment bro 🙂

  • Pan Soult

    Hey Roberto,

    once again that’s a great article. Thank you for sharing!

    I think that the cases of no emotional attachments are valid mostly when it’s a two-person factor decision, meaning no children in the equation.

    My question is a Nature’s Decision and Raising a Family combination.

    As for a hypothetical example, you get married with a girl and after some time you both decide to have some children. Your beautiful children come into our lovely world!

    After a couple of years, you wife is connected with an other man, which has been evaluated as better than you. Nature takes place, dictating her to “follow her heart”.

    In this simplified example, should you understand the Nature and “you may kiss your love and promises goodbye” or try to change the outcome of her decision (no begging is allowed) trying to protect your offspring’s breeding?

    • Roberto Zanon

      Hey man, this is actually a very nice (and difficult question to answer). No matter how much I don’t want to say “it depends”, well…it depends.

      In a very simple world (most of the times), there is virtually nothing you can do to keep her close to you. There is no point to promise things, or increase your contribution. Especially not from a reactive stand point.

      The oversimplified answer is, that you always try to improve as much as possible, so that you will make it very hard for her to find another man, who’s better than you.

      That being said, in case she does, then most probably you should kiss your love, your promises and your kid a goodbye because, kids most of the times stay with their mother.

      That doesn’t mean, you won’t see you child though. You can contribute as much as you want to your kid’s nurture (something I would really advice you to do, since I would bet you are having an overall better mindset than your kid’s mother).

      Moreover, (no matter how cynical this may sound), another way to prevent this situation is to have more children possibly with different women (in case your resources allow it).

      Before you go ahead and say this is impossible, just remember, everything is a matter of perspective. If you think it’s impossible, then it sure is!

      Thanks a lot

      • Pan Soult

        Thank you for your reply!!

        An other, probably more cynical answer I was thinking about, would be that after a couple of births, which by default is a difficult process, chances are that she will not seem so attractive to other males. And less likely to other better males than you.

        So the probability for her leave, because she found an other man, is pretty low.

        Thanks again!

        • Roberto Zanon

          haha, you outperformed me, cinicism-wise!

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